Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
