i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize