there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
