He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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