Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize