THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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