That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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