they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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