You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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