my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
