***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize