I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
