just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
