My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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