I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
