I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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