you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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