I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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