my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
