I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
