Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
