community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
