Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
