Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
