I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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