He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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