My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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