I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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