True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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