got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
