fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ruined the universe
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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