i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
