I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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