i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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