you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
