Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
