I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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