I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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