I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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