He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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