I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
