she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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