I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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