Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize