My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
