i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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