I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
