I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
