just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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