My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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