Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
They should really pass out barf bags in church
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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