You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
