Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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