When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
