so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
