Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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