mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
