I accidentally had phone sex last night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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