i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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